Black Gardenia
I have been sitting here for over an hour trying to work on Greek but I just can't focus. I keep thinking, I should post on my blog, but then I won't let myself because I need to be working on homework. But I am not doing that ... I am just sitting here not focusing thinking about stuff trying to figure out life.
I have this odd struggle of not knowing how nice to be to people. Often times I think of very nice, supportive things to do and/or say, but I don't do them. I either think people will not actually care or I feel I am crossing some line. I mean, really it comes down to me not wanting to be rejected. I'm not sure how me being nice to someone becomes about my feelings, but apparently that is how it is. Sometimes though, especially with guys I am interested in or think I could be, I just don't know how much is too much and I think I default too far on the not being nice and supportive side.
I guess I feel like if I am putting too much of myself out there if I really do some of these things, and I've been rejected enough that I just don't feel like going through it more. But then, how can I even have real friendships if I do this and close myself off? I don't know, I can't really, but this is how our society works. People move, change friends, change churches, change jobs, etc. It is so rare to stay friends with the same people for very long ... or at least close friends. So you just talk about the superficial things and call it good.
So, on a similar note, I have to share this weekend at my singles group. I've known for over a month I would have to do this. And I've known what I am going to share about. Cause around the time this came up I had been thinking that I needed to start dealing with my depression issues, and that really I had never admitted to being depressed ever.
I mean, I more or less dealt with my social anxiety and other anxiety issues and some people know about my struggles with those. I still do think that the depression is a side effect of the anxiety, but still, it took on a life of its own and was a serious issue but there was no way I'd admit to it. I think it just seems so cliche and/or taboo or something to say, "well, I was depressed" ... but when I cried myself to sleep for over a year I suppose that is what is going on. I've never told anyone about that before. I'm nearly crying just typing this cause I still don't want anyone to know, but I don't think that is a good thing ... ha ha, and yes, posting it on my blog is a brilliant way to tell half the people I know, but I will stand up Sunday and admit it, so we'll have that for 'real life' community.
I often wonder who knew about my problems and how depressed I was. I was just completely hopeless and absolutely miserable. I did have a couple great friends though, and looking back I have no idea why they were friends with me then ... I couldn't have been that fun. But, it was complicated, I was sure that they would 'leave' me so would either not really open up or would become completely emotionally attached .... I suppose I am still somewhat like that ...
I know my youth pastor knew about this ... even though at least half of it was after I was officially out of his 'juristiction' but he met with me and was the only one that ever tried to do anything. I think my mom had ideas but had no clue what to do or where to start or anything. I don't know if any of my other friends had a clue. I probably hid it well enough for the most part, as I do with most of my issues. I think maybe friends I had known for awhile could tell ... but I had made a lot of new friends at this time so ... I don't know ...
Anyway, I am going to share about this and I feel like I should have some great moral. Some great turn around story with the moral being "Jesus loves me" but I don't have any great story. I don't know ... I just moved out of the deep depression after awhile and then while dealing with the anxiety and taking medication I got out of most of the depression. Moving to Texas helped I think, just being out of the same old patterns that I was used to ... maybe the story in and of itself is enough of a testimony. I don't know, I don't feel that it is, but it's just really lame to try to add other things in there cause I was told I should in one of my seminary classes.
Well, now it's a good time to end and a good time to get ready for bed. I appreciate all that have read this. Thanks.
I have this odd struggle of not knowing how nice to be to people. Often times I think of very nice, supportive things to do and/or say, but I don't do them. I either think people will not actually care or I feel I am crossing some line. I mean, really it comes down to me not wanting to be rejected. I'm not sure how me being nice to someone becomes about my feelings, but apparently that is how it is. Sometimes though, especially with guys I am interested in or think I could be, I just don't know how much is too much and I think I default too far on the not being nice and supportive side.
I guess I feel like if I am putting too much of myself out there if I really do some of these things, and I've been rejected enough that I just don't feel like going through it more. But then, how can I even have real friendships if I do this and close myself off? I don't know, I can't really, but this is how our society works. People move, change friends, change churches, change jobs, etc. It is so rare to stay friends with the same people for very long ... or at least close friends. So you just talk about the superficial things and call it good.
So, on a similar note, I have to share this weekend at my singles group. I've known for over a month I would have to do this. And I've known what I am going to share about. Cause around the time this came up I had been thinking that I needed to start dealing with my depression issues, and that really I had never admitted to being depressed ever.
I mean, I more or less dealt with my social anxiety and other anxiety issues and some people know about my struggles with those. I still do think that the depression is a side effect of the anxiety, but still, it took on a life of its own and was a serious issue but there was no way I'd admit to it. I think it just seems so cliche and/or taboo or something to say, "well, I was depressed" ... but when I cried myself to sleep for over a year I suppose that is what is going on. I've never told anyone about that before. I'm nearly crying just typing this cause I still don't want anyone to know, but I don't think that is a good thing ... ha ha, and yes, posting it on my blog is a brilliant way to tell half the people I know, but I will stand up Sunday and admit it, so we'll have that for 'real life' community.
I often wonder who knew about my problems and how depressed I was. I was just completely hopeless and absolutely miserable. I did have a couple great friends though, and looking back I have no idea why they were friends with me then ... I couldn't have been that fun. But, it was complicated, I was sure that they would 'leave' me so would either not really open up or would become completely emotionally attached .... I suppose I am still somewhat like that ...
I know my youth pastor knew about this ... even though at least half of it was after I was officially out of his 'juristiction' but he met with me and was the only one that ever tried to do anything. I think my mom had ideas but had no clue what to do or where to start or anything. I don't know if any of my other friends had a clue. I probably hid it well enough for the most part, as I do with most of my issues. I think maybe friends I had known for awhile could tell ... but I had made a lot of new friends at this time so ... I don't know ...
Anyway, I am going to share about this and I feel like I should have some great moral. Some great turn around story with the moral being "Jesus loves me" but I don't have any great story. I don't know ... I just moved out of the deep depression after awhile and then while dealing with the anxiety and taking medication I got out of most of the depression. Moving to Texas helped I think, just being out of the same old patterns that I was used to ... maybe the story in and of itself is enough of a testimony. I don't know, I don't feel that it is, but it's just really lame to try to add other things in there cause I was told I should in one of my seminary classes.
Well, now it's a good time to end and a good time to get ready for bed. I appreciate all that have read this. Thanks.
posted by Bethany at 7:56 PM
1 Comments:
maybe your moral could simply be that as the church, we should carry each others burdens (such as depression)...doing what we can to help each other out, be it through prayer or just showing genuine concern for the well-being of others. just a thought
-Tom
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